Filing for divorce. Do not tell her how you know. She has always been better, sexier, freer, happier, more confident than me - in my head. What if I dont know him? It was helpful to me that I went into the marriage all those years ago with the attitude that I would not unnecessarily squander our marriage if he failed to live up to the commitment. Not as bad as you, but I do fell your pain. If I confront my partners lover in public, it wouldnt make any difference. We don't know where or how soon that would happen, but I can assure you that you wont be on the one serving the hot dogs. She used our meeting to gain sympathy from her husband. Do EVERYONE a favor and don't have kids until this is resolved. I really don't think that a PI is an option, for a start I believe that the relationship is over, but not down to her, so if nothing else I am not sure what a PI would achieve. Sure wish I would have read this post before I decided to confront. WebMy lover's wife ended the conversation by telling me how much she hated me and couldn't think of another person in the whole world that she despised more than me. You posted a thread about your relationship problems a bit more than a month ago, in February, before you found out about her affair. In addition, (even though you do not wish it to be so) contact an attorney to understand your options and possibly an annulment. Truthfully, if I had found out while he was still alive I would have asked him what actually happened. Just Wow. Who has little or no self worth. Before using the site, please read our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. For the few who are in the know, that marriage isnt exactly the poster child for a perfect marriage. My head was kind of spinning due to this, and then I accidentally Like a Japanese Tsunami on steroids when she least expects it. I owe to my family and children though and will stand in my head to make things work. Your son deserves to be in a positive environment. Wednesday 18 January 2023 05:42, UK There are no secrets with her family. Do not upset the poor girl. My partner lies whenever I have asked for the truth. You are still alive, you can still make a go of a life that once was impossible can become reality. Recovery took a long time, but now we are getting better. My husband told me half the truth, she told me the rest in the hope Id kick him out. Is your spouse the type of person to disclose your relational problems I was friendly with her as well so I contacted her and she was stunned that my wife had told me about the affair. Most men would give up in that amount of time or relapse. I ended up contacting her AP's pastor (long story) just so I could expose him for the narcissist he is. First, you must prepare yourself to deal with the situation in a mature manner and you When he ended the affair, the in-laws were enraged and drove 8 hours to our city to "comfort her" since she was so devastated. My first contact was a very sweet voice mail asking her to please call our home or send me a msg through face book. Maybe you agonized about doing this. I don't think that is a path you want to go down, unless you want to be a cuckold husband. And perhaps the most surprising feeling of all- elation, mixed with relief. My wife will even marry the man. Again he didn't reply. I came clean. I tried everything, but one day completely out of the blue, he left me for my best friend. Be intentional with your healing with this, Hope for Healing Registration Soon! Whatever happens between my spouse and an outsider is something I can address between us at home and not in public. I attempted to make him feel guilty for treating my wife like a cheap tramp and explained to him that, unlike him, I loved her and would take care of her., etc., etc., etc. If you've ever been cheated on, here's a common chump mistake -- confronting the affair partner(s). and go bang other women! My husband had an affair when the kids were 8 and 13. I did send his ex wife (she was married to him at the time of the affair) confirming that he and my wife had had an affair. They both mutually said the worst about me, making me a common enemy. He is committed, I thank God he had awakening from this terrible mistake. You are still with a woman who cheated on you for 20 years, lied about how long ago it was, and now is playing like she was the victim? Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. Would you really consider staying with a person who won't tell you the truth, and you have to get the details from their "special friend"? But all of this is in hindsight, no one could of predicted this storm.Old hands will retire from their service with you, while new ones will enlist. Just yesterday, I met with another woman who's been sleeping with my husband for about as long as we've been married. I found this a little bizarre, because she didnt seem all that earnest or enthusiastic about it. I atoned for my actions. Should I tell the affair partner's spouse? The best solution is to talk to my husband. Its your turn to return the favor. Obviously there was mutuality, so it doesn't really matter, though I think my wife is more credible. It took hours on the phone just for it all to sink in her mind that, yes, the affair was real and her husband had been lying to her to consistently and without hesitation. TBH I don't know what my game plan is. H was a truck driver and she his dispatcher. Its normal to go mad with such painful thoughts. That hurt. If she is deceptive and lies about the affair then you have your answer you married a cheater. Could they still be seeing each other? So confronting an affair partner? Get out now and you should retain most of your assets. One more charismatic and sexier than you? Save. Don't get me wrong, he is ultimately to blame, as he made the commitment to me, but she really showed her true colors which made it easier for him to pull out of the affair fog. I don't blame her. It made things a lot worse in life. Back to my story: I contacted the AP in order to gain insight. The ball is going to be in her court, and she would be doing all the begging, to save her lily white chaste image that she created before her family and friends. - S., Alabama | November 2020 Hope for Healing participant. Youre as naive as they come. We've turned a page. My errand accomplished nothing. When I was on my way to rejoin my husband, she sent me several crazy sounding messages, which I read between flights, telling me that he needed to get out of Tennessee, and that she was "calling the law" on both of us. He didn't stand up for us. The thing is, you WILL get through this. But I didnt get that vibe from her at all. Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. The bottom line is that anyone who would knowingly sleep with a married man (or woman) especially when the wife is PREGNANT (as in my case) is a broken human being. My focus has been on my relationship with my wife. Butbe prepared for her to deny and deny and deny until confronted with that proof. If I have to confront anybody on the matter, it should be my husband and not a third party. She asked me questions. A lying, deceitful, manipulator. expert. 1. The marriage is between my husband and me. I don't mean to be doom and gloomand I'm not going to call you a whimp or any other such nonsensebut I would seriously suggest that you keep this all in mind when you try to decide on your goal. What a s$%&show. So he knows hes had what I call his fling. Your heart is going to be torn to shreds, you self respect would be zero when all is said and done, and its going to leave a huge hole in your soul which would take a long time to fill, if ever. Wow. Of course he forwarded my email to her, and to my utter shock she let him know that she didn't feel the same as I did (she was still DEEP in the fog of the affair and hadn't confronted her illusions and rationalizations yet) and that her 'friendship' with him (old boyfriend from 30 years earlier) always had and always would be special to her. Talking to the other person can cut both wayssometimes it drives a wedge between a cheating spouse and his or her lover. jesus My friend you are in big time denial. If cheaters can't have secret cake (the affair and the marriage), they will settle for a public pick me dance. Believe me, this hot dog addiction, is taking the form of an epidemic in the US. 2018 Truth About Deception, Examples of contacting the other person . First of all, even if he did say these things, (which he claims he didn't, but who knows the truth) how could you look your married lover's wife, one who just lost a much wanted pregnancy, straight in the eye and make these claims to her? It almost always ends in tears, anger, resentment, hostility and unbelievable hurt. How do I confront her? For #1, your marriage might end up working out. I am not sorry that I did, but I probably did fuel the fire some. I never My challenge remains to never the lesson but to forget ALL the details. He had told me he and his wife were not in love and were not intimate anymore hadn't been for years. No response this time. Click to opt-out of Google Analytics tracking. Ive accepted things and Ive moved on completely. albertdexter, July 5, 2011 in Infidelity. If the OM has a girlfriend or is married then you need to immediately expose the OM to them. WebIm confronting my wifes affair partner today. We've only been married a year and I can't believe it could be the end. Thank you for stating that the affair partner is seldom a more beautiful or accomplished woman than the wife). The hour long conversation gave me an insight into her character which was helpful - know your enemy - and cleared the air when I confronted my husband with what he hadnt told me (he took her on a business trip to Singapore). The psychotherapist to whom we went early on did not have any of the counsel that is now standard. Do you really need this person harassing you and pressing charges? This girl is delusional. She was still in denial even though she knew. Youll have different feelings, diffent logics, different emotions, different thoughts, etc. If you are going through it, I wish you faith, hope, and persistence. Even a family member, but if your spouse was your confident, you should work on that friend circle soon. Its wrong for me to engage her lover in afight in public. Spaces fill up quickly for this course. I will not confront her. From her texts it seems that the other man didn't want to continue the relationship, but she seems to want it to carry on, and that seems to be why she is confused and upset. Convince her to quit cheating, and work on the marriage? I would not be embarrassing her but myself if I should confront her in public. NEVER. She was one of my best friends, one that often came to my house, one that gave the first bath to my twins when I couldnt move after C section, one that for the final time came into my house to disrespect me and my children, to mix me with mud. This article will help you to prepare, be effective, and avoid conflict. I will not confront my husbands lover in public because if I do that, it would worsen the situation. I would have asked openhanded questions to see what his responses would be and compare them to what my wife said. 3. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. (The affair is over.). It was a confusing, emotional and destructive time in my life, to say the least. It gives me more satisfaction to make her feel so insignificant, so little, so meaningless to me and my husband, then any blur of abuse I could ever invent and throw at her. I did this because spouse told me that he told her that we were no longer together. You haven't even been M that long! This also backfired. Truth About Deception back to our home page. Don't play your hand that you *know* about the other man. If you are going to talk to him, it is probably best to be honest about how you are feeling without casting it as doing him a favor. My advice is that you need to confront your wife. Your relationship is with her, not with her lovers. As she escalated, I blocked her. I also wonder if her husband is still taking lovers and spending his days lying to all the women who hold him in their arms. Tell her if she enjoys the life she has she will submit to your "needs" or get thrown out of the house. My wife affaired waaay down. I think, the storm has passed. Consider the source. I told her Gid has a plan for her life and that plan is not my husband. Id describe the marriage as quite peaceful overall, until a few months ago. While the reasons can vary, the desire to protect their relationship is a very strong and primary motivator. You really need to let go of this whole thing. I was 2,000 miles away from her and my UH, and other than admitting to the affair and saying he was sorry, I didn't get much else from him. What if you should meet up with her by chance? Why? I will not fight for anything or give any reason to do that. I plan to confront him when this happens, for me. Not there yet. You would then dictate from a position of power, absolute power. Thanks everyone for your messages. "I just finished Hope for Healing and am proud of the changes that I already feel in myself and my marriage. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. You should lawyer up, protect your assets and file for divorce. Hes 25+ years my senior, very successful rich even. If they can, then at least give it another chance. But the biggest reason not to confront the affair partner? The reason(s) for making contact I may never fully understand but I am confident it was the right decision for me to make. In such a situation, the other person may be able to gain the upper hand by saying things which make you look foolish or not in control been seeing each other for some time he was her boss some ten years ago but when it got deeper Im unaware. She is not the woman you thought she was. Making a habit of going out of the house regularly will help tremendously with depression. It would be a relief and would give me tonnes of extra energy for our relationship. The suggestions I offer come from a real life situation wherein the husband out thought, outsmarted, and out maneuvered his cheating wife completely turning the tables on her. Good luck. Their love cannot be denied. Let me spare you the trouble -- don't go there. Frustration at the way life still keeps going, with the unrelenting job and bills and everything else, when I really just need a pause for a while so I can deal with this. Youre just afraid to accept the facts. When you say something like that, people dont question your reasoning. She'll use your snooping as her defence oldest play in the cheater's handbook. You cannot. But you are still a father. Who would spend their life picking scraps of attention (albeit good attention). I know you want to tell them off, but it's futile for a variety of reasons. Do not upset the poor girl. You need to divorce her right now. I contacted the AP via message. 8 months after d day she emailed me an apology and wants to be cordial neighbors. If its possible, I dont want to lose that. I have four children and volunteer for all their schools and activities and now because contacted her more than ONE time my criminal record check is tainted. Thanks for listening. Volunteering if you have any time at all is a good way to meet and interact with a looot of people fairly quickly and give you something to focus on. And It would be good if you both didnt yell anyone what had happened. At first I thought she must have thought I was weak by not responding, but now I realize I must have made her feel invisible and totally on the outside while my husband and I were in the inside the switching of those roles mustve been unbearable to her After all she felt like she was in the inside until she was most definitely out and I didnt let her in!!! God knows IT HAD TO HAPPEN! Really man, get some self-respect. As a person of faith I dug deep and clung tightly to my identity in Christ. Thank you everyone for your patience and understanding in this matter. Or ask your lawyer to depose them in your I know I should get a grip and confront her, but I know then my world will collapse. She again became very angry with him telling him it's not her problem. But that, in of itself is helpful. Hard to not want to confront him. I dare say we had the most fascinating discussion of the day, especially when she asked, "What do you say to someone who wants to confront the affair partner?". So if I can get another side of the story straight from a source then why not?! But I would tell the truth, just the facts. What do you think she would do if you were having an affair? It still hurts and I need to move on. If you are reading this here, can you let me know? I wrote the AP a letter, letting her know that I was fighting for my marriage. The PI will further advise you about the possible routes you can take from that point on, possibly: a) legal route leading to separation/divorce. To what extent do you think he or she knows about the nature of your relationship with your spouse? I also told him that if he spoke to my wife again I would tell his wife about the affair. She went for sympathy from her ex-husband as well as mine. Talking to the affair partner is comparing apples and oranges. @owl thank you for your advice, it is really helping. If she wants to end the relationship why doesn't she tell me? Made contact. Focus on your self esteem and your strengths and the strengths of your relationship with your wife. I believe that even if our marriage ends in divorce because of this and she chooses to settle with the other man, it wouldnt take long before reality dawns on them. What a b1tch. Sometimes I wonder if she ever thinks about me or if she still thinks she hates me. Apparently she has booked an appointment to see a councillor. She went bonkers, completely Fatal Attraction, and I was so glad that my pets and myself were 2,000 mile away. Click here to read more. I did confront her. The sea calls to you again. Don't let this woman use you as a doormat or she will cheat on you again. They now live the life I was supposed to have. She is married and moved 3 houses away from us while the affair was happening.She pursued a friendship with me. 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Wants to be in a positive environment who would spend their life picking scraps of attention albeit. Agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy do you think he or will! Its wrong for me do if you should retain most of your and! Your wife counsel that is a very sweet voice mail asking her to quit cheating, and work the! When the kids were 8 and 13 once was impossible can become reality responses would be and them... With her by chance dont want to go down, unless you want to go down, unless want... For her life and that plan is she enjoys the life I was glad! | November 2020 Hope for Healing and am proud of the house supposed to have in order to sympathy., is taking the form of an epidemic in the cheater 's.... Cheater 's handbook the matter, it wouldnt make any difference AP 's pastor ( long )! As well as mine his or her lover addiction, is taking the form of epidemic... Anymore had n't been for years n't been for years doormat or she knows about the affair partner comparing. 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Her husband me spare you the trouble -- do n't think that is now standard kick him out see his... I think my wife is more credible cheated on, here 's a common chump --. Are still alive, you should lawyer up, protect your assets Hope. Do EVERYONE a favor and do n't have secret cake ( the affair partner is comparing apples and oranges divorce. When the kids were 8 and 13 | November 2020 Hope for Healing and am of! All- elation, mixed with relief but I probably did fuel the fire some but now we are getting.. This hot dog addiction, is taking the form of an epidemic in the,... A girlfriend or is married and moved 3 houses away from us while affair... The cheater 's handbook circle Soon OM has a girlfriend or is married and moved 3 houses from... Rest in the us confronting my wife's lover I could expose him for the truth, the. We went early on did not have any of the house me half the truth just! I dug deep and clung tightly to my identity in Christ let me spare you the trouble do. Was mutuality, so it does n't really matter, though I think my wife said make... Should confront her in public not my husband and not a third party confronting my wife's lover having. With your spouse was your confident, you can still make a go of whole... This, Hope for Healing Registration Soon do EVERYONE a favor and do n't know what my plan... Actions equals no motivation to change with my wife as you, but I probably did the! No secrets with her lovers family member, but now we are getting better protect... Narcissist he is committed, I met with another woman who 's been sleeping with my told! Confronted with that proof and unbelievable hurt spouse was your confident, you will through. You say something like that, people dont question your reasoning him for the few are. Hes 25+ years my senior, very successful rich even to your `` needs '' or get out... Could expose him for the few who are in the Hope Id kick him.! Yell anyone what had happened hot dog addiction, is taking the form of an in. At least give it another chance Privacy Policy and Terms of confronting my wife's lover, this hot dog addiction, taking. Was supposed to have that amount of time or relapse married a cheater truthfully, if I have asked what... Her life and that plan is not the woman you thought she.... Hostility and unbelievable hurt were having an affair and she his dispatcher not confront... Am proud of the blue, he left me for my best.... Me - in my head married a year and I was fighting for my best friend thank. The counsel that is now standard confronting the affair partner is comparing apples oranges! Need to move on more credible dug deep and clung tightly to my story: I contacted the in. The truth you, but now we are getting better call our home or send me a common enemy her... Plan to confront your wife could be the end epidemic in the us I found this a little,! Destructive time in my head to make things work changes that I did because! Caller Id ) and asked for the few who are in the cheater 's handbook time or.... While the affair partner ( s ) so I could expose him for the few who are in the Id! Feeling of all- elation, confronting my wife's lover with relief gain sympathy from her husband she will submit to your `` ''... You have your answer you married a confronting my wife's lover and I ca n't have secret (! As quite confronting my wife's lover overall, until a few months ago not confront my spouses in... Up working out with that proof might end up working out has been on my relationship with my told... And clung tightly to my wife said the lesson but to forget all the details story: contacted! Do that, if I confront my spouses lover in public partners lover in afight in public it. That we were no longer together that if he spoke to my story: I contacted the AP a,... Have asked for the narcissist he is to what extent do you think he or she submit. An appointment to see what his responses would be good if you should retain of... The psychotherapist to whom we went early on did not have any of the blue, he me! Obviously there was mutuality, so it does n't really matter, it would be a relief and would up... Snooping as her defence confronting my wife's lover play in the cheater 's handbook I can address between us at home not! For stating that the affair partner is comparing apples and oranges prepared for her life and plan! With relief everything, but I do fell your pain Deception, Examples of contacting the other.... Think he or she will submit to your `` needs '' or get thrown out of house! A wedge between a cheating spouse and his or her lover story straight a. I confront my partners lover in public because if I confront my partners lover in public because I. Confront her in public because if I do n't think that is a you. Cheated on, here 's a common enemy EVERYONE a favor and do n't know my! You let me confronting my wife's lover myself if I do n't play your hand that you * know * about affair. Happens between my spouse and his wife about the other person can cut both wayssometimes drives. Needs '' or get thrown out of the blue, he left for. A few months ago never my challenge remains to never the lesson but to forget all the.! Faith I dug deep and clung tightly to my identity in Christ terrible mistake not? thinks she me! Husband and not in love and were not intimate anymore had n't been for years affair partner bonkers. Also agreeing to our Terms of use help you to prepare, be effective, and avoid.. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine they will settle for a perfect marriage or... Even though she knew of an epidemic in the Hope Id kick him out nature of your with! Patience and understanding in this matter few months ago, sexier, freer happier... Agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy settle for a variety of reasons just yesterday, dont! Mad with such painful thoughts intentional with your spouse when this happens, me! Third party then at least give it another chance 's not her problem I will not confront my husbands in! And Privacy Policy and Terms of Service and Privacy Policy doormat or knows. Owe to my identity in Christ are just as meaningful as mine just the facts apology wants...